Stay for a moment
by Pebr
Summary: Leo thinks about it all the time. Is it because of something he did? Rated M for self-harm (at least mentions of it.)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Just wanna get this story out of the way. Lately I've started to hate everything I write.

* * *

One year and eight months and Leonardo runs out of chalk. The tiny piece crumbles in his hands, kind of like everything else in his life lately.

His fingers are white from the chalk powder, and he draws one more line on his wall already full of white markings. He drew today's line already, so this line is for tomorrow. It's not like there's going to be anyone here tomorrow either.

Leo has always maintained to hold a positive attitude, although sometimes he fears for the worst and expects everything to go wrong – because well, let's be honest; that's usually what happens. Right now that's exactly what's happening. His world became to a halt a long time ago and has been crumbling apart since then. The positive attitude was amongst the first things to break down.

New York City is as beautiful as it can get when it bathes in the light of the moon, accompanied with all kinds of city lights. It's been winter for some time now, Leo realizes, when he almost falls over on the slippery roof he's standing on.

Sometimes, when Leo brushes his teeth, he tastes blood. When he looks there's no red in his sink.

* * *

It's funny how Leo's enemy changed. It's no longer the Foot, the Shredder or anyone else. It's just himself, since there's no one else left to try to kill him.

He climbs to the highest roof, shivering when the cold wind tries to push him over the edge he's standing on, encouraging him to take one more step.

He doesn't take that step, just stares at the beautiful city. He could freeze himself and say it was and accident. It's doesn't matter anymore. There are fireworks in the sky, but the colors mean nothing to him. There's one with a mix of red, purple and orange and Leo realizes he's a horrible liar.

Leo thinks about it all the time. Is it because of something he did wrong? Is it something he can't remember? Only one thing is for sure; it's something he doesn't know.

The loud noise the fireworks make stays in his head for days and it takes him a week to realize that he stole a gun and hid it under his pillow.

Is there a point in hiding something when you're the only one alive?

But maybe he isn't the only one alive. Maybe they're still somewhere, trying to find their way back. Maybe they're already on their way home.

The possibility that they're not trying to come back makes Leo do accidents.

Accidents, like taking too many sleeping pills.

He can see darkness swallowing the wall and the white chalk lines are dancing in his eyes. He knows that in the morning he'll think it was an accident – if the morning is to come. He wouldn't need to get more pills if it didn't.

* * *

But like always, the morning comes. For a while it's hard to breathe and he's sick for the rest of the day, his body trying to get over the effects the pills caused. He won't make that accident again, he swears, but somehow his hands always slip and the bottle containing the medicine is empty before it should be.

Leo used to make no mistakes, as he was expected to lead his brothers to victory and safety. But even then his hands sometimes slipped, and he would learn from his mistakes by training harder, pushing himself closer to the edge. Now making mistakes is his daily hobby; the edge has been crossed a long time ago.

Every day feels shorter than the previous, while nights grow longer and longer. He spends long nights living in nightmares which his sleeping pills won't let him wake up from. When he's out of pills he uses the long nights for trying to not imagine new nightmares.

Sometimes he picks up his swords. If he grips them hard enough then maybe it feels like he's in control once again.

Their blades cut the air easily, making Leo bitter. Why didn't his swords swing so easily the last time he needed them to? He stares at his hands, wondering when they started living a life on their own, making Leo follow their will and not the other way around. His own hands had betrayed him, stripping him out of everything he had had. He's sure their disappearance is his fault. It must be something he did.

He runs out of chalk again, and the powder doesn't stay on the walls anymore. He's afraid that he'll lose days; he needs something else to keep track of them. He needs to count. There's nothing useful in his room, so he walks out of it – and every time he does he wishes that he doesn't have to come back. He walks to the kitchen. His swords are there.

There's also his phone, and he has one missed message. Leo presses the button and listens to Don telling him about how they were finished with their business with April and that they were just getting ready to come back home–

Leo throws the phone against a wall. It's time to wake up, that message is months old and he has just been listening to it over and over again. Don isn't on his way home. Nobody is and that's why he has to draw lines on his walls.

The first time is the hardest, they say, but it's not hard at all. He's a talented swordsman, after all.

Sometimes his sword still slips and the wound is too deep. There's blood in his sink now, he realizes.

He throws his sword away, stops the bleeding and bandages his hand. He can't do this. He can never face his brothers with bleeding hands and with a mind full of holes the gun shot from under his pillow. There has to be something else.

But he has done _everything_ else. He looked the city up and down, many times, even drove out of the city, spent sleepless nights trying to trace them. He gave up after falling asleep in the Battle Shell and almost getting himself killed. He wishes he didn't.

But after recovering, he continued. Walked and ran until his legs held him up no longer, until he saw the rust on his swords.

He wasn't going to find them, and nobody was going to find him.

As Leo notices that the bandages he tried to cover his wounds with are in the wrong places he realizes that there's no hope for him.

He knows that there never was.

* * *

Tonight Leo doesn't draw lines.

It took him almost an hour to make his old shell cell work and another to find some old voice messages from it. It's almost four in the morning and for the first time in a long time Leo feels proud of himself. He listens to the crackling sounds of his brothers as he finishes loading his gun. Bullets clatter on the floor and Leo wishes he didn't know how to use these things.

When Raph told him about guns and actually showed him how to build one, Leo never thought that he would use that knowledge for something. He had always hated guns and what they did in the wrong hands. But it's not like that has changed, he still hates them. He rolls the gun in his hands. He looks at his hands and he knows that hands can't really get more wrong than this.

Pulling the trigger – piece of cake. Making his hands stop shaking – not so easy. It kind of reminds him how Donnie's hands were shaking once, after he had secretly spent several nights working on some project of his. Leo smiles a little as he remembers Don's futile attempts at explaining them why his hands were shaking and why he was having a hard time keeping his eyes open. Maybe there's still some coffee left somewhere in their kitchen. But even if there is, he doesn't drink it. If Don happens to come back, he could make him some.

For a moment it's hard to see and he blinks his eyes furiously. He's not afraid of the pain, but the noise frightens him. He thinks about the colorful fireworks; what could be worse than the ache they caused?

He knows his brothers would be horrified if they knew what Leo was doing. Leo knows this isn't something he could explain, but then again, it wasn't something his brothers could understand; to suddenly be so alone. Hadn't he said that if one of them goes down, all of them do? But when all of them go down and only one is left, then what is supposed to happen?

Leo knew there was hope. There always was. But he wasn't positive like Mikey, strong like Raph and smart like Don. Hope alone wasn't enough, he wasn't strong enough to withstand the loneliness and not smart enough to figure out what had happened to his brothers.

Even if his brothers came back, all they would get would be a broken shell of what he once was. Their absence had driven him over the edge; Leo didn't know who was, anymore.

The old voice message from his cell comes to an end with a silent crackle. Leo always figured his end would come with a loud bang.

The taste of blood never leaves his mouth.


	2. Chapter 2

Mikey lets out a high-pitched scream and Leo sighs silently, folding his arms. The TV is blasting dramatic music at full volume as the monster chases its prey. It's not like he doesn't want to watch the movie with Mikey, he just finds the plot obvious and boring, and the monsters are made with a really low budget. Leonardo no longer wonders why Raphael and Donatello politely excused themselves.

Leonardo moves his head towards the kitchen to see if there's someone there, but the moment he does that Michelangelo screams again. Before Leo can even think, his instinct kicks in and he scoots closer to Mikey. He comes to his senses before grasping Mikey in order to protect him – it's just a movie. Mike looks at him, confused, and Leo looks back, just as confused. Mikey smirks.

"It's okay, Leo, it's a scary movie. Just come closer if you're scared", he teases, wrapping his arm around Leo's shoulders.

Leo gives Mikey a grumpy look, but doesn't mind Mike's hand. Something inside him got really… terrified? Because Mikey got afraid of a movie? Leo scratched his head as Mikey's attention slips back to the movie. Weird. Perhaps he has worked himself a little bit too much and his mind is kind of overdoing everything. It didn't really feel like it, but there was nothing he could do about it so he just shrugged it off.

Mikey's hand was still on Leo's shoulder when the next jumpscare came. That caused Mikey to literally jump into Leo's arms, clinging to him, unable to look away from the TV.

"Run, Emily! Ruuuun! No, not there, there's another one, you dummy! AAH!"

The scare was obvious but Mikey yelled anyways. Leo didn't have the heart to let Mikey drop on the floor like Raph would've done, so he held Mikey until the scene was over. Leo could faintly feel his brother's heart beating wildly. It was a comforting feeling, but also made Leo wonder how Mike could get himself so worked up over a movie.

"Whew", Mikey exhaled nervously. "That was... scary." Leo said nothing, just helped the younger one to sit back onto his seat.

They sat in silence for about five minutes, and Leo didn't really understand what was going on in the movie, his thoughts constantly wandering somewhere else. He watched it anyways. When the credits started to roll Mike turned to Leo with curious eyes.

"Well? Was it scary? You came closer at one point, I bet it was", Mikey said, poking Leo's shoulder. "You're the one who jumped on my arms", Leo mentioned, making Mike cross his arms. "But you were scared", he insisted. Leo shrugged. "Maybe." But for a different reason, he added in his mind.

"Well, I'm going to get some donuts", Mikey announced.

"Isn't it a little bit too late for something so sweet?" Leo asked, but immediately regretted asking. Nothing was too sweet for Mikey, no matter what time of the day it was.

"Dude, movie night, no rules. Expect popcorn, popcorn is a rule, but we took care of that", Mike chuckled and rose to his feet, picking up the empty popcorn bowl.

"I take it that you don't want donuts? C'mon, they're super tasty."

"That just meant more for you", Leo smiled though Mike had already disappeared in the other room. "True!"

Leo knew he had to wake up early next morning, but he couldn't make himself get up. Don had been in the kitchen, since Leo could hear his two youngest brothers chatting. He couldn't make out the words, but the hushed words were comforting to listen to.

Why did he feel so uneasy? There's something he should know, should do. But what?

A hand on his shoulder pulled him from his thoughts, and he turned to see Raph looking at himself.

"It was a stupid movie, wasn't it?"

"Obvious plot, at least", Leo sighed, turning his head away and staring at the dark TV-screen.

"I heard Mikey teasing you. That movie got ya? Wouldn't have believed", Raph joked, jumping over the couch and landed on seat next to Leo. Really close to Leo. Raph usually kept some distance, protecting his personal space, so Leo looked at Raph, confused. Raph didn't look at him, and Leo saw that it was awkward for him to come and sit so close. So why did he?

"What is it, Leo? What are you worried of?"

Leo's confusion only grew. "Um, Raph, I really appreciate your concern, but… what?"

"I'm not blind. Something's bothering you."

"Well…" Leo didn't know it was so obvious. And it must've been really obvious if Raph noticed it and bothered to come and talk about it. "Maybe… I just don't know what it is. Honestly", Leo murmured while fidgeting his hands. Raph nodded, believing his brother.

It was quiet for a while, but Raphael's arm brushing against his was warm. It made him feel a bit better, taking away some of his restlessness. Leo took a risk and leaned a bit against Raph, wanting to feel his warmth better,

but there was no one anymore.

The kitchen was silent.

Someone is firing fireworks. Did the year change, again?


	3. Chapter 3

_Come home._

_Come home, Leo._

But he is home, so he can't understand. Why were they asking him to come home when they were the ones not home?

Leo holds the bottle in his hands, not thinking about its contents. He thinks about the mess dropping it would make and compares it to his own life.

He decides to drink it instead of dropping it. But no matter what he does, he is lost.

* * *

Stars dance in his eyes, making him miss the real stars. Is there nothing he doesn't miss, anymore?

Dizziness is a funny feeling, different from the buzz alcohol gives. It doesn't last nearly as long, but they both usually end up getting him unconscious.

He spends half his time unconscious, so you'd think he'd feel rested. Maybe the nightmares scratch at his mind, making sleep useless.

When Leo dies there is no one holding him and telling him it's alright.

He's not dying, at least not at the moment, but he knows that's how it's going to be.

* * *

It was supposed to be a simple task; get their submarine down to the water so he could continue the search again. It hangs on many wires above the water, and Leo struggles with the control panel, not finding the right buttons. His numb hands make it hard to use the machine.

Finally he gives up, managing to climb up on top of the vehicle. Maybe the alcohol isn't completely gone from his body; his steps are clumsy and the whole idea is stupid. But Leo is concentrating on the task, feeling better than during the last few weeks. Focusing on something makes him feel like there's still strength left in him. Thinking about the search makes everything hurt a bit less.

His hands reach the wires, and he feels them with his fingers. Leo unsheathes his left sword, cutting the thinnest of wires, but coming to the realization that most of the wires are too hard for his swords. It would take him forever to start cutting them.

But then again, is there anything better to do?

It takes hours to get two wires cut. They're the strongest ones, and Leo feels proud when the second one breaks in his hands. But he hadn't expected the submarine to suddenly tilt in the absence of the wire, so it swipes him off his feet and makes him fall. He tries to grab something, but something grabs him instead.

He's stuck in the wires he cut earlier, one of them going under his elbow and one of them wrapping weakly around his neck, not hard enough to choke him. When the shock fades Leo moves his hands to cut himself free, but the movement causes the wire around his neck to tighten. He freezes.

He hears the wire around his arm rip, and he knows that if it breaks, the wire around his neck becomes a noose. The wire chokes him further, preventing him from breathing. Leo gasps for air, figuring that his only option is to aim for the wire choking him. He's scared to do it, so for a while he just hangs, pitifully gasping for air that never comes. Finally he takes the risk and swings his hand again, and the wires let him go.

Leo hits the water and barely gets out of it, shocked at how hoarse his gasps are.

The fact that he didn't let himself choke shocks him more.

* * *

It doesn't hurt so much today.

But then again, Leo doesn't know if he was even awake today.

* * *

The memory of the Shredder striking them down is one of the things that doesn't hurt anymore.

The scars don't ache, and their agreement to die with the Shredder doesn't feel so bad. The memory used to hurt him so much, caused so much blame. Wasted so much time.

But now, he'd go back there anytime. In those memories he's still with his brothers. It doesn't matter that they were dying. At least they were going to die together.

* * *

It's not like Leo never thought about it; of being completely alone. He was alone in the jungle, on his trip to Japan and every time he meditated, he walked a lonely path. He had been separated from his brothers, and the hope of finding them had never faded.

Why was it so different, this time? Was it the suddenness of it, not knowing what happened?

Most likely it was the blame. At first it had been just a guess, but now it was knowledge to him. _He _had done something to drive them away, they were skilled enough to come back by now, so it must've been him. Had it been so painful he had made himself forget? It wasn't like him, it was a daily habit for him to take his mistakes and hang them onto his walls. So it couldn't be it. But it must've been it?

Weren't they supposed to be together? If they weren't, then they should've.

Being alone was…

It's a shame he cut them.

Leo misses the wire around his neck.

* * *

Leo realizes that nothing ever really belonged to him.

* * *

There were holes all around the lair. Big, bottomless holes his brothers had left after them, no warning signs around them. Every night Leo falls in them, no matter how hard he avoids them. Every night he thinks it'll be his last night, that he can't get up this time.

He just doesn't know in which hole to drown himself in.

* * *

It all goes away. Eventually, everything goes away.

Some things come back, some don't.

Leo realizes he must go too.

He doesn't know if he'll come back.


	4. Chapter 4

Leonardo loves his brothers, but sometimes his swords are the best companions.

He loves how the blade obeys his every command, bends and cuts and makes a sweet sound as it cuts the air. Does everything just the way he wants it to, very much unlike his brothers.

Leo hates to yell. His swords cut without him opening his mouth, they retreat before he needs to even think about it. The battle is over without him needing to say anything.

Maybe that's why the battle began in the first place. He had escaped the lair filled with many words, most so horrible Leo just wanted this battle to continue forever so that he didn't have to go back home and talk again. He liked making up and forgetting things they had fought about, but sometimes he felt like the line had been crossed. This was one of those times.

He liked to be in control, knowing that everything was going according to his plan. That's why he flew through his enemies, free to let the blood spill and free to take a few cuts from here and there in order to make another head roll. He didn't need to watch anyone's back, because it didn't really matter if someone cut his back. Not like anyone was able to get past his swords anyway.

His brother's wouldn't worry in an hour or so, at least, but eventually they would. His swords never worried, they just did their work, never questioning Leo's will. Never doing something against his will – unless someone interrupted.

A sharp cut aimed at his left hand made him drop his weapon, and it was hard to not cry out. It wasn't bad, he told himself, but he knew it was if he had let go of his sword.

Even if his brothers had a mind of their own and didn't always listen to him, there was more to it. He could let his swords slip from his hands, but he'd never do that to his brothers.

The thought gave him little comfort, enough to keep his legs going. Legs, such fragile things. Could make you jump from roof to roof and strike from the shadows before the enemy even knew what hit them, but could fail you just as easily.

The fall on his knees was hard, and he had to catch himself in order to not meet the ground with his face. That cost him time to block another attack, and the attacker was unforgiving, striking hard.

Pain shot from his hands all over him, finally breaking his ego and making him cry out in pain. He didn't need to see his enemies or their faces to know they knew they had won. His silence had made them nervous, and now that they finally cracked him they threw away the carefulness they had had earlier. They all stroke.

They were suddenly so sure about their victory, which made them reckless enough to give Leo time to roll away and let the enemy strike each other. Leo didn't turn to see how many got hit by the weapon of their own people, he was busy looking for strength to run away. He hated it, but his other sword had gone missing and he didn't have time to look for it. His left arm was pretty useless anyways, so he couldn't even use it. He was still holding the other sword, though his right arm didn't look much better.

He found his strength, but not fast enough - a shuriken cut his leg painfully, thankfully just cutting it and not making a deep wound. The second shuriken hit him in the arm, making Leo grit his teeth but not let go of his sword.

He sheathed his sword, jumping down from the roof. It was hard to climb down a ladder with only one working hand, so he jumped from a little higher than he should have. His tired legs didn't soften the fall at all, making him hiss under his breath. Throbbing pain was sent all over him once again, but he recovered quickly and hid into the shadows.

Only seconds later he heard his enemy shout and whisper commands, and he could see how they started their search. He couldn't stay here, but he was too exhausted to run around the city to find a safe place to return underground. He was glad that it was so dark or they could've followed the path his blood had made.

He was a little dizzy, adrenaline and blood leaving him at a steady pace. He reached for his other arm, trying to feel how bad his wounds were. A gush here and there, blood... he wasn't stupid, so he knew that he needed help now that his legs still held him up.

Finally the Foot started to move further away, but Leo couldn't take any risks involving his family. So he waited, leaning on the wall behind him. His muscles were starting to ache and sleepiness made its way into Leo's mind. He let his eyes close, and before he noticed, his legs gave up under him. He collapsed on his knees once again, letting out an annoyed grunt.

After a while he stood up, not ready to take the risk to fall asleep, limping to the closest manhole and disappearing underground. Once again he'd need to use ladders, but his sleepy mind didn't even remember those. Somewhere around the city they could just jump in to the sewers, but somewhere they could use the ladders to make the fall easier.

So once again Leo's legs gave up under him, this time making him fall on his plastron. There wasn't air left in his lungs, so he made a soundless gasp.

After recovering a bit he just breathed, looking around himself. He wasn't very close to the lair, so he'd need to walk. Leo sighed; right now he'd do anything but walk. He tried to push himself up, but now that he was lying down his body refused to take commands.

He felt frustrated, then pathetic. He could hear the shell-cell ringing on his belt, but his world was already going black and the ringing of his phone went somewhere far, his heart-beat becoming louder and louder until it was the only thing he could hear along the hum which dizziness caused.

He woke up underwater. There were voices somewhere above him, familiar voices, voices he was always supposed to respond to, why wasn't he responding already? He tried to move his hand, finding out he couldn't and remembering he was underwater. He couldn't breathe, he was supposed to panic, but he didn't. He wasn't in a hurry; just listening to the three soothing voices was enough for him. It was so much nicer than the sharp howling of his swords, he'd lose his sword anytime to hear his siblings talk…

But the voices soon became worried, maybe a little panicked. That always got Leo moving, so he tried to open his eyes. No use…

A slap on his cheek made him gasp and the water disappeared - his eyes flew open and he realized he had never been underwater. He was lying on the same place, the only difference was that he had been turned on his shell and there was a hand holding his head. And his brothers looking down at him.

They all stared at him, everyone holding their breath, and finally letting it out as Leo blinked at them, confused. Donatello was the first to talk.

"Leo", he sighed, clearly relieved. "Jeez. Why did you... what happened? Are you okay?"

Leo blinked again, trying to move his hands now that he was more awake. His left didn't respond at all, so he lowered his eyes to look at it. It responded. Leo raised his head.

Only to see an empty sewer.

He had both of his swords with him, even though he had lost the other one.

Why did his swords return, but not his brothers?


	5. Chapter 5

The floor is hard and Leonardo lets go of the gun – is he holding a gun?

Leonardo brings up his hand to cover his eyes, wondering why it's so bright when he feels so dark inside. He can smell gunpowder, but he can't look at the gun. The feeling of failing hurts so bad he has to bite his lip in order to keep the sobs inside.

Leo had never had the time to wonder how he'd want to die. It's not like he wanted to die, but he knew that everyone had to go, so he had never had the time to wonder how he'd prefer to die. During the passing year he had struggled with that thought a little bit too much, but he was glad there had been no one to see his struggle.

At the same time he wishes there had been somebody to tell him to stop struggling.

There's sharp pain on his cheek and for a second Leo thinks that the bullet finally hit him – but there's no way, he didn't pull the trigger and there's no one else to pull it…

"– Freaking idiot! I swear to god if you don't – "

So this is just another memory. That explains why he wasn't able to pull the trigger and why he can hear Raphael shouting. He's relieved and scared at the same time, he hates hearing Raphael shout his voice hoarse and he swears to god if this is another of those dreams where Raph is telling him he's real and nothing bad happened and Leo believes it just to wake up alone–

"If you don't open your eyes NOW–"

Leo opens his eyes, gasping like there isn't enough air. The Raphael in his dreams never touches his face like this, but when he opens his eyes and when black dots dancing on his eyes finally give up he can see Raphael kneeling down next to him, holding his face.

Raphael looks angry, but his face melts into a smile he doesn't seem to be able to control. It's weird and Leo still doesn't want to trust this image created by his mind, but Raphael's smile is suddenly so gentle and his touch so warm. Leo can feel tears running down his cheeks and he wants to close his eyes and forget that this is just a dream, but Raphael's hand is on his cheek again, slapping him and causing him pain which he had been trying to achieve these past months. Why does he feel the sting now? What's different?

"Just keep your eyes on me, okay? You close your eyes longer than a second and I'll– "

"C'mon Raph, let him be, he's tired", Leo can hear Donatello's voice coming behind Raph, and with a tiny movement of his head he can see his sibling in purple. Donatello meets his eyes and smiles, looking exhausted but relieved. Leonardo doesn't understand – this isn't how his dreams go.

"Hi Leo", Don says, a bit sheepishly, releasing a breath he had probably been holding without realizing it. "Glad to see you're awake. How're you feeling?"

This is messed up. Just a messed up, stupid dream, trying to fool him, but Leo knows better than this, he can't be fooled, no more, no more, he'll just grab the gun and–

"Woah, Leo, calm down", he hears Raphael say and he's confused, usually when he grabs the gun Raphael in his dreams is telling him to do it, telling him to pull the trigger. Leo follows Raphael's confused look, being confused as well, and finds out that the 'gun' he had grasped was Raphael's hand. Leonardo let's go, letting out a shaky breath and looking at Raph, eyes wide and scared. Then he smiles a bit – it feels so real. The bitter memory of waking up like this only to find out he was living another dream, another lie, burns him, but he can feel Raphael. He raises his hand to touch Raphael's cheek– oh god, is this happiness he's feeling? Is this–

Leonardo wakes up and flies out of his bed, nearly running into his door but managing to get out without hitting his head and passing out again – oh how even the thought frightens him – and he makes it to Donatello's lab in mere seconds. His fingers go through the old boxes, old shelves, and dust floats all around him as he desperately looks for what he needs. He feels cold here because he hasn't stepped into Don's lab in months. Too lonely, so lonely, always lonely...

But no more. He finds what he was looking for and hurries out of the lab, back to his room–

His hands shake when he opens the bottle with a skull drawn on it. There's no hesitation. It tastes like chalk.

There are hands on his shoulders, plastron and face. Voices calling for him. For the first time he's afraid that they're real. But it would mean he would've been wrong; someone would hold him when it ends. It would be such a bitter end – he doesn't want it. But he doesn't have to; the heavy feeling takes him away.

Nothing stays with Leo.

And finally, Leo doesn't stay either.


End file.
